—–I hadn’t heard of this person who had just come in the living room, as we were all milling about, but someone was saying they were famous, and then I thought I saw people were looking over at this person and gazing at him, rather more intently than you would someone who was just, well, anybody. Well, so I went into the kitchen and I heard someone say, “did you see who just came in?” excitedly to another one of our friends, and I felt this tremendous tiredness suddenly, it was just a totally lethargy seized me. So I went upstairs, though our house was crawling with people, and I was the host–but I just felt I had to think about this way it appeared people were reacting to the presence of this famous person. I didn’t even know him, and when I went upstairs I felt like I was holding this persons fame in the balance, as I was considering it so assidulously, like it was up to me to confirm that, yes, it was alright to fawn over him and make him the center of attention; for I know, fame is attractive, that is unavoidable, and I am all for it as long as we make our own judgments, of course, in each case. But let he who deserves fame receive it, and let him receive it gladly, and pay back his fans by acknowledging them graciously. I was thinking along those lines. And meanwhile, downstairs apparently there were enough people who did know of this person’s accomplishments, just how famous he deservedly was, so that a general acclamation was underway. When I came back down they were already cheering this guy like he had won an award right there, or just given a speech. I thought for a wild moment it was me that was receiving this sudden recognition, as the cheering grew louder just as I descended. But I wasn’t even in the sights of these people, who all had their backs turned to me and were on their tip-toes, craning their necks to get the experience and actually be a part of this famous person’s new moment of . . . approbation!
—–But vicariously I felt it, what it would have been like, and I accepted that feeling with . . . approbation myself. Received and accepted, I said to myself, and approved of the possibility of such a transaction, myself to myself.