—–This is what I notice about myself in action. I strive to become unfathomable and legendary, and the person that others see as busy with my own unique genius. I strive to be regarded thus, and secretly envied from afar, and have people take away an impression of me as someone who is in possession of things beyond their own understanding. But I do not seek to be openly adored, or praised, in fact I always cringe when attention is drawn to me as being anything but totally normal. I want to blend in, make no immediate claim or trouble, watch everything happen in real time, and see what others are doing– they being the people who are manifestly busy in life. I participate to a measured degree, focused, so as to not appear to be aloof, and certainly not superior.  Nevertheless, I want to be known after the fact as having been importantly engaged. Even though I don’t want to draw attention to myself, and be the focus of the party, I want to leave the impression that I was a special guest, and perhaps even the most special of all guests, the one who just by their attendance seemed to validate the whole proceeding. I would not mind if this was the conclusion of any of the others, or all of them. This duality I bear within myself, and know how to manage. The first facet of it is necessary in order to investigate the mystery in which I move about, collect the material for my work, and even learn the language of the others, whom I will paint back into a semblance of who they were.  And the second aspect, the thing I notice about myself as I go about, is obviously meant to sow the seeds of a clear, unkillable fame, and create a future readership for the book that has these crying portraits, and saves from absurdity and death these very dear people, lauds them as laughing heroes.

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