——The pressure of self-consciousness is such that it shatters any attempt to organize what one is even seeing, much less remembering–from life, which seems when I face it like some opportunity, standing there untried. I think, I am guiltless, empty, I am quietly searching for the language where there is no hint of recrimination. I want to get through this emotion, unscathed, so I can start. Start what! Start to enact my real personality . . . Everybody is like this, at the high school graduation picnic, and throughout the years on the invisible chessboard beyond.